So far during these past couple of weeks of school I've felt horribly out of place and uncentered. I'm unsure about a lot of things. I don't know how I'm going to do a lot of things. I don't want to do a lot of things.
I really would like to go back to my apartment, but I'd want the comfort of it still feeling like home. I want my mom there when I get home after school (or after hitting up a bar) because being around my family keeps me in check, I think. (My mom is mostly able to do this because I know that she can help me when I need her to; I know that she is more willing to help me.)
It's almost as if everyone's running all around me, doing something, and all the while I'm sitting crosslegged on the floor trying to focus on nothing. Or so it seems. Whatever.
I wish I could quit school. I'm not going to drop out, of course–I'm just tired of it. This seemingly neurotic compulsion to do that which I'm not supposed to do is just too overwhelming right now, and I just can't find a comfortable spot for school.
But I think I'm just typing this, and it's all untrue. Don't listen to me.
On another self-absorbed note, I'm afraid of Eric getting a girlfriend, especially that freshman girl that came with him to drop me off at my mother's. (She's the kind of girl that you see at a really cool band's show, and then you realize how not-so-cool the band is anymore.) I just know how people are with their new boyfriends and girlfriends: they want to spend a lot of time with their love in order to get to know them better, in order to get closer to that moment when they finally fuck. Why don't people just get to the fucking point and just do it? Sheesh. Also, I know how I am–and I probably would begin avoiding Eric because I would hate his girlfriend.
Ugh, pishposh.
