Since Friday I've been house sitting for my older sister and her fiance, who are in Miami for a week. I like this place. It's very cozy and clean. And they have a treadmill. And two HDTV's. (Nice televisions make me want to watch television. And they make me cozy.)
This area of town is in the process of gentrification. There are lots of attractive condos being built, but there are also lots of houses like this:
I am not sure what my thoughts about gentrification are…
I mean, on one hand, there are those Bratmobile lyrics playing in my head: "I've got a story 'bout D.C. to tell and I don't think yr gonna like it very well. It's about boys and girls and the rich and the poor. But what if no one can afford to live here anymore?"
But on the other hand, I think I've always wanted to live in a condo. A nice one. I've always wanted to be one of those well-off attractive white people that stay up late and dress casually and who are smart and always have booze on hand and snack food they forget about and a big screen tv with a remote they aren't really sure how to use and who are likable and crap like that.
(Please don't judge me.)
I think I just want money. I've never had it. I'm a fan of it.
I'm always wanting something I can't have.
And I think I'm always wanting somebody else's lifestyle. Not that I try to do/act like those whose lifestyles I want… I guess I'm just sort of envious.
I come from a poor family. And the kids in elementary school used to make fun of my clothes.
What do you expect?
I'm feeling like the WORST e-seller on Earth.
This whole moving-from-my-two-bedroom-apartment-to-my-mother's-one-bedroom-apartment situation has really fucked me over. My sales aren't as frequent as they once were, and I have SO MANY ORDERS to mail out. I'm so behind. My inventory is still in storage. And I can't really drive there to go get it because I don't drive… And my mother (and every other fucking person) works all day long…
I can't concentrate when I'm living with somebody else.
It makes me insane and antsy and indecisive.
In the meantime, I spend most of my time making new things because I have to keep on making money so that I have some sort of income.
But then that makes me feel like a douche because I feel like I should be shipping out people's purchases instead.
I don't know what I want.
And I don't know what I should do about anything.
Okay, honestly x2…
I wish I could quit school and move away. FAR.
I'm so exhausted.
I couldn't make it to my psychiatrist appointment this afternoon because I don't have any money to pay for it… =/
I had $35 a few days ago, but that was for my medication.
I didn't have enough to pay for some water while I was at Walgreen's, so I shoplifted it.
(I had a 20-30minute walk ahead of me… and it was really hot and humid here in Houston…)
Maybe one day when I have money I'll go back and give the $1.39 to Walgreen's.
Because I just feel guilty.
Shoplifting is not something I do anymore. It's unethical.
I need a person to take care of me.
I'm just not good with being practical.
Not at all.